how many times in your life have you wanted to leave this world......
She grew up thinking considering suicide was an options. She never knew there was another way...Tough it out, live life, built a foundation on solid ground. she need to find out what the foundation was. she knew she want to make everything better for her children she already had. She didn't think Love and marriage were her thing. She had never thought any man would be good enough for her precious children. She had made the choice to stay alone. She was good with that she was going to bible study and church. She has been writing a friend but one day as she was writing she heard something inside say is he your God look around you....she did she began to look at the drawing and letters in numerical by date box of letters. She thought no he is not my God! Then take it all down and throw it all away everything!!! She was devastated she thought I cant do it I need him. That just confirmed what the voice said he had become my God. she threw away all the letters and drawings she thought if it is meant to be God will put it together she had to practice faith and believe her heavenly father would take care of her and her precious little gifts. She needed to get to know the gifts which God had placed her in charge of.
she continued to fight the good fight staying clean checking in the parole department but she would get lonely sometimes and slip it is not easy staying clean on the outside when all you know is under the influence of something...lol. She never had it easy being adopted with in the family, made everything twice as hard. She always had her guard up. She didn't have to be that way around her brothers she liked that. She felt safe and loved around them. Her brothers didn't help with money or anything like that it was support she knew as long as they were living they would be there for her. She never even conceived that they would die young. She prayed for her bio person because no mother should go Thu what she had. She would pray for strength to continue on in this world.
In October of 1987 she was at a Harvest party with her church group and her bio person, her father, her nephew and daughters. She was sitting with all the women her age when in walked two brothers from the church they were single the women all change into to oh look at that brother. She got up and went to play with her precious children, bobbing apples, skeet ball she felt someone looking at her but and she knew who it was it was the guy she noticed once upon a time ago....what a trip how could it happen a few years earlier she was cruising in her moms car, she came up on the same car in green with to guys she had a friend with her they look and her friend said nay the passenger is ugly. She said I always in up with the ugly one...so the said NAY as the drove by. Here she was how many years later and he was looking at her with a whole table of nice women. She ignored him. She had made a commitment to serve God and she had just stop writing the guy after 5 yrs. and a promise of marriage how could she even consider dating again God was her husband.
After many encounters they finally went out in a group. He couldn't keep his eyes off her, she could feel him as if he was her soul like he was inside her every move. She was scared she prayed to God everyday please Lord if he not be of you remove him from my life! She had put it all in Gods hands, She would not take it back. Her life depended upon her faith in Jesus. She had not been looking for a boyfriend, husband or anything. She never had a problem with men they were attracted to her for as long as she could remember. They wrong type this guy seemed different she didn't know how but she thought maybe she could help him get back together with his baby mama. That was her intentions she had meet his baby mama at church service. They had been separated about one year, he had reservation out her due to drugs, she wanted him back. She could only whisper God give me strength and let your will be done.
She had intended to move to Hanford and remove herself from the equitation but the parole department said no the affiliation she had on her jacket was enough to keep her out of any county. She never understood it was just one felony drug charge why were they so hard on her. (25 yrs. later she found out she had 2 felonies drug related with a three to five year tail. )
She did not want a man in her life. One December morning she looked out the window and he was out there putting new tires on her car and a battery. Wow, no one ever did a thing for her, would he expect something in return. He was always there she tried playing the friend card. One day he asked her if she could go an where when would she go she said the snow help in the hills right down the street from the place the lived, He said Really that is all...she said it has been four years since she seen snow. The weekend they to a day drive to the mountains. The snow began to fall like magic, he held her hand and they both new at that moment they would have this forever...I guess you could call it love at first sight. Ever since that day of cruising and saying naw driving away she knew they were meant to be....
She had one hell of a life getting to where she was at that moment she loved God with all her being she had her three precious children. Would he be able to take this package deal? Could he love her children more than she did, that is what is was looking for. A father for her children. He had two children she had three. Going into a relationship they had five that is quite a tall order for any man or woman. They only knew each other almost 2 months. She is terrified she only wants the will of God in her life. She prayed and prayed.
